We’ve all been there: sitting across from our absolute best mate, someone who knows our coffee order and our deepest childhood traumas, and yet, there’s a thought hovering at the back of our minds that we just… don’t say. Maybe it’s a worry about our relationship, a secret career ambition, or a niggling insecurity. Even in our closest bonds, secrets in friendships are surprisingly common, and honestly? They’re often quite normal.
It’s easy to feel a bit guilty about it, like you’re being dishonest or keeping them at arm’s length. But the truth is, having emotional boundaries doesn’t mean you’re a bad friend. In fact, learning why we withhold certain things can actually help us understand ourselves better and build even stronger, more authentic connections. It’s all about finding that sweet spot between total transparency and healthy privacy.
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If you’ve ever found yourself biting your tongue around your bestie, it’s rarely because you don’t trust them. Most of the time, our reasons for holding back are much more complex and, frankly, quite protective.
One of the most common reasons we keep secrets in friendships is actually out of love. You might be going through a really tough time at work or dealing with family drama, but you look at your friend, who is already juggling a toddler and a house move, and you think, She doesn’t need my stress on top of hers.
We withhold our worries to:
Have you ever started a sentence and then trailed off because you realized the other person might just… not get it? This is a huge driver for why we hide feelings from friends.
We often engage in selective sharing, where we only tell the parts of a story that we know will be received well. If your best friend is very traditional and you’re considering a total life pivot, you might keep it quiet because you aren’t in the mood to defend your choices. This self-censorship isn’t about lying; it’s about avoiding the emotional labor of a misunderstanding.
Contrary to what pop culture tells us, best friends don’t have to mean merged identities. It is perfectly healthy and actually vital to have an inner world that belongs only to you.
Maintaining autonomy means:
Sometimes we hold back because of the subtle status or comparison games our brains play. You might be hesitant to share a massive win at work if you know your friend is currently struggling with unemployment. Or, you might keep a secret to avoid an imbalance of power or sparks of jealousy.
We often wonder if sharing will change the closeness of the group. Will they look at me differently? Will they feel less than? These are pressures women carry mentally every day, and they often lead us to manage our disclosures like a PR agent.
Sometimes, we keep things to ourselves because we aren’t ready to hear someone else’s opinion on it yet. Once you tell it, it’s out. They might give advice you didn’t ask for or offer a perspective that challenges your own.
If you’re still observing a feeling or a situation, keeping it private is a way of preserving your inner peace. It’s not about being secretive; it’s about second-guessing whether you’re ready for the external noise that comes with sharing.
So, is keeping these secrets harmful? Well, it’s a bit of a double-edged sword.
The goal isn’t to start a truth bomb session where you dump every fleeting thought, but to recognize when withholding is helping the friendship and when it’s creating a wall.
If you want to be more open but feel a bit exposed at the thought, try these gentler approaches:
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Being real with your friends is a skill, and like any wellness habit, it takes practice. It’s about consistency, not perfection.
If a secret is affecting how you treat your friend, it probably needs to be shared.
Sometimes being more open starts with being a better listener. It creates a safe space for both of you.
Your thoughts don’t have to be polished or right to be shared. It’s okay to say, ‘I’m still figuring this out, but I wanted to tell you…”
In conclusion, at the end of the day, it’s completely normal to have things we don’t tell best friends. We are complex humans with private lives, and having boundaries is a sign of emotional maturity, not a lack of love. Self-awareness is your best tool here. Ask yourself: Is keeping this secret protecting me, or is it isolating me? By being mindful about what we share and why, we can build friendships that feel safe, supportive, and, most importantly, authentic. You don’t owe anyone every single one of your thoughts; you just owe yourself the honesty to know which ones matter.
It’s usually a mix of wanting to protect them from your baggage, a fear of being judged, or simply needing to maintain a sense of personal privacy and autonomy.
Yes, entirely! Everyone has an inner world. As long as the secret isn’t intentionally harmful or causing a massive rift in trust, having private thoughts is a healthy boundary.
If a thought is weighing you down or changing how you behave toward your friend, it might be time to share. If it’s just a personal reflection you’re still working through, it’s okay to keep it to yourself.
If it leads to a pattern of masking or being fake, it can create a sense of distance. However, healthy boundaries can actually increase trust by ensuring that when you do share, it’s meaningful and honest.
Focus on how you feel rather than every single detail of the situation. This allows you to be authentic about your emotional state without feeling like you’ve given away too much of your privacy.
Not at all. You can’t be a good friend if you’re constantly drained or overwhelmed. Protecting your inner peace allows you to show up more fully for the people you love.