As little girls, we were raised with a message, “Be perfect… or people will judge you.” It’s not voiced out, but you can hear when you’re praised for being “the good girl”. It is heard in school when only A’s are considered acceptable. You can clearly hear it when society expects a woman to be soft, polite, nurturing, beautiful, hard-working, and never complain. You grow up trying to meet every expectation, to fit every role. Slowly, the desire to do well transcends into something heavier: a struggle to be perfect. This pressure is one reason anxiety and perfectionism in women often develop quietly, long before adulthood.
It’s no longer, “I want to do my best.” It now becomes “If I make a mistake, I’ll disappoint everyone.” As a mom, you’d choose to do all the chores by yourself because you believe nobody can do it better. As an employee, you put in a lot of effort because you think people are watching you and will think you’re “not good enough” if you don’t perform well. This is where perfectionism and anxiety lock hands, feeding off each other. This article is not just information; it’s clarity. You finally realize why you act the way you do.
Image: Pinterest
Understanding anxiety is the first step toward recognizing how anxiety and perfectionism in women can become deeply intertwined.
Your brain has a built-in safety system known as the fight-or-flight response, which provides energy to your body to help you escape or defend yourself against perceived danger. Everyone experiences anxiety at times, but it becomes a problem when it’s a constant in your life. Your brain is constantly telling you that “something bad might happen,” even when nothing is wrong.
This feeling of fear, worry, and uncertainty comes with physical, emotional, and mental symptoms such as
Research consistently shows that anxiety and perfectionism in women tend to reinforce each other, creating a cycle that’s difficult to break.
On the surface, perfectionism seems admirable. But in reality, it is a quiet, exhausting battle fueled by the fear of failure and the constant mental pressure of “not being good enough.” This unhealthy obsession for flawlessness drives the perfectionist to set unrealistically demanding goals, accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness. While not a psychological disorder in itself, studies have shown that perfectionism is linked to anxiety and other mental health issues, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), depression, and eating disorders.
Image: Unsplash
Many of these traits appear together when discussing anxiety and perfectionism in women, making the signs easy to overlook.
A fixed mindset as opposed to a growth mindset. For a perfectionist, it’s all or nothing. As a result, they set extremely high standards for themselves and tie their failure or success to these standards. They can sometimes set unrealistic expectations for their loved ones or other important people in their lives.
This is mainly because perfectionists are constantly comparing themselves to others and never feel good enough, it is difficult for them to believe they are capable of success.
Constructive criticism may sound like an announcement of failure. They become disappointed, angry, and defensive when they do not come across as they intended to.
Due to their constant fear of failure, perfectionists may postpone tasks.
A perfectionist believes there should be no room for a mistake, even the slightest, so they spend more time than it takes for others to complete a task.
They are afraid of trying new things because they can’t risk making a mistake or failing.
Perfectionists inadvertently become people pleasers because they rely on others for validation and approval.
If you’re a perfectionist, you see your performance as proportional to their self-worth, and this drives you into an anxiety cycle:
The cycle repeats.
You’re not really improving your life; you’re just running on a treadmill of fear. And with each step, the anxiety grows stronger. Anxiety erases the track record of success.
Perfectionism acts as a maladaptive way of coping with anxiety. The anxiety cycle reveals the covert connection between perfectionism and anxiety. In the pursuit of perfection, the individual sets extremely high standards that create and fuel anxiety in them. And in the bid to escape this anxiety, the individual triggers even more perfectionism, causing the individual to suffer a perfection anxiety.
Image: Unsplash
Being high-functioning rarely looks like a problem from the outside. You’re seen as organized, confident, capable and responsible. For a high-functioning anxious perfectionist, they keep jobs, relationships, and daily routines running, but all of this is run on nervous energy and constant worry. High-functioning anxiety manifests as a desire to be seen as the very best at all times.
High-functioning women often don’t realize they’re experiencing anxiety and perfectionism because everything looks fine from the outside.
They’re the ones who always volunteer, always prepare, and always deliver. The praise feels good, but you don’t feel like you deserve it.
The effects of this can be physically expressed as headaches, fatigue, muscle tension, and sleep problems, and emotionally as exhaustion, irritability, and a sense of emptiness.
Breaking the cycle of anxiety and perfectionism in women requires slow, deliberate changes that prioritize compassion over performance. There are steps to take in recovering from perfectionism. The result of applying these strategies will not appear in a day, but a lot can happen when you apply them with intentionality and consistency.
Practicing mindfulness can be a great way to identify perfection anxiety. Being aware of your own standards and your response to achieving them will help to keep you grounded in the present.
You can set more achievable, realistic goals by streamlining your objectives. You are able to prioritise tasks and determine what you truly need to do. You may also want to give yourself more time to meet your deadline.
Let yourself make mistakes on purpose. Understanding that making mistakes and learning are essential parts of living helps you to cultivate a growth mindset and weather setbacks. Know that you can’t be perfect because no one is.
Learn to accept yourself the way you are, including the mistakes you may make or have made in the past, and extend this grace to others around you, especially your kids or spouse. You don’t have to be too hard on yourself or them at all times. Know that everybody makes mistakes.
Rest is not a reward; it’s a biological need. This is not for you to become irresponsible, but you must know that the world will not stop moving because you chose to slow down. Take some time to rest. You’re a person, not a machine.
Learn to acknowledge your small achievements as much as big ones. A win is a win!
Not everyone is out to attack you, so you don’t always have to be defensive. Learn to receive praise or criticism with an open mind.
You might need to cut back on social media use as part of your recovery from perfectionism. People don’t share their flaws; they only share their happy moments. We refer to it as perfectionistic self-presentation. Quit comparing the inside of you to the outside of other people.
Perfectionists seek to try to control their actions, the outcomes, and the responses of others. Understand that you are not responsible for the responses of others—how they see or perceive things.
Go for counseling. A therapist can help you identify your thoughts and recommend the best coping skills for perfectionism and anxiety. When reaching out to an online therapist, make sure to read their profile carefully. Look for clinical specialties, confirm licence and location, and check for reviews or testimonials (if available), but treat them as a piece of information.
Image: Unsplash
Behavioral treatments like cognitive therapy for anxiety disorders help individuals identify and correct their distorted perceptions or thoughts to reduce their anxiety. Usually delivered as part of CBT, the cognitive treatment is effective for the most common anxiety presentations, including generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder (typically with exposure and response prevention), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), health anxiety, and specific phobias.
Women bear pressures that society rarely acknowledges, but it’s important for you to understand that you can’t meet every expectation. Things do not always go as planned, so leave room for uncertainty. Life is too short to continue thinking back on your past transgressions; make the necessary changes and ask for assistance when you need it.
Healing from anxiety and perfectionism in women starts with accepting that you don’t have to meet every expectation to be worthy. Always remember: You Are Enough!