When we talk about passed down traits, we usually only think about phenotypic and physical characteristics, but that’s not all that parents pass on to their children. Along with beautiful traits and talents, families can pass on destructive mindsets, unhealthy relationship patterns, and distorted perspectives on the world, often without our knowledge. Not all of what we inherit is beneficial.
It’s simple to label someone as cold or toxic when they cause harm to others. The truth, however, is much more nuanced. Many people who inflict emotional suffering, particularly in friendships, romantic relationships, or even with their own children, don’t do it on purpose. They’re wounded. They grew up in dysfunctional families where love was confusing, unpredictable, or unsafe. Without healing, those childhood wounds manifest in adult behaviors that harm those they care about the most. These people inflict the same wound on their children, who then pass it on to their own children. The cycle continues, forming a generational pattern.
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Generational trauma is the transmission of emotional wounds, unresolved grief, and negative patterns from one generation to the next. These patterns often appear in families as repeated cycles of abuse, neglect, unhealed emotional pain, or even unspoken resentments.
A mother who was neglected, abused, or rejected as a child may inadvertently repeat these behaviors with her offspring, who then repeat them, creating an apparently unbreakable cycle. These family generational cycles can have an impact on our mental health, relationships, and self-perception.
Fortunately, these cycles are breakable. It often starts with one person daring to heal.
Growing up, my mother frequently hit my sister and me. Kids would always be kids, but she never let anything slide. Not because she was a bad mother, but because no one had ever taught her a better way to love, communicate, or correct. Mummy was raised in a home where her mother hit and verbally abused them as if they weren’t her own children.
I hated these traits in her even though I loved her so much.
Years later, I found myself exhibiting these same traits: I would become angry and overly defensive at the slightest provocation. I wanted to please everyone, because I thought being liked by everyone would protect me from physical abuse. I used manipulation to get what I wanted. These traits were also present in my sister. I lost good friends because of jealousy and gossip. I also missed out on a few good relationships because I thought they were “too good to be true.”
If you grew up in a home where affection was inconsistent or conditional, you learn to associate love with anxiety. So when someone comes into your life offering healthy affection, you doubt their intentions, assume they’ll eventually hurt you, or simply push them away. I sabotaged healthy relationships because it all felt weird, I was more familiar with emotional chaos. I was passive-aggressive and endured emotional and verbal abuse in a relationship. Have you ever looked in a mirror and not recognized who’s standing before you? Because generational patterns deteriorate with each passing generation, I was worse than my mother. Each generation picks up more unhealthy patterns.
Nothing changed until my third year in college. I met this woman (my supervisor), who went on to become my mentor. She had been observant and very open about letting me know my character deficiencies. I became more self-aware, and this was the beginning of my healing from family trauma.
Becoming aware is the first step in breaking generational cycles.
You need to identify your family’s destructive relationship patterns, because you can’t change what you’re not aware of. Journaling is a good tool for emotional healing. Write down recurring patterns of behavior or conflict that exist in your family. Maybe your family triggers anxiety you can’t explain, or old wounds seem to reopen at every family gathering.
Observe how your family relationships have shaped your beliefs about yourself and the world. You may decide to talk to an individual who you think is healthy and more stable—a mentor, a pastor, a role model, a trusted friend—or seek professional therapy in order to help you see what you’re unable to see on your own.
That’s how you allow change to happen. The mistake most hurt women make is that they expect a partner to “fix” them. They become clingy, overly dependent, and resentful when needs aren’t met. Some become self-indulgent.
Truly, generational cycles are not our fault. However, it’s our responsibility to identify and break these cycles so we can secure generational healing for our children. Being born into a dysfunctional family is not your fault, but it will be your fault if your kids grow up in the same environment. I had to admit that I had the problem and I needed help.
This could include observing how other people or families react to situations differently than you do. This is not about comparing yourself to others but about learning healthy reactions and better strategies for managing your emotions. You can also read articles or books on healthy friendships, boundaries in relationships, approval addiction, emotional healing for women, how to heal from childhood trauma, etc.
Change doesn’t happen in a day, and breaking generational patterns is not a one-off thing; it’s all a process. You must recognize that you’re healing first for yourself and then your children. Know that your future is not dependent on your past.
I recommend this to anyone seeking any form of healing because it’s where I found mine. Prior, I sought healing from family trauma in romantic relationships, and when that failed, I turned to substance abuse. I blamed others and made excuses for how I was reacting to situations. This only reinforced negative generational patterns until my supervisor introduced me to God’s Word.
“Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis.” Matthew 11:28 TPT.
Generational trauma is a heavy burden that must be broken with the help of God. Psalm 147:3 says that the Lord heals those whose hearts have been broken, whether from abuse or family trauma, and binds up their wounds. So, healing is not only possible but promised. I read a couple of books by Joyce Meyer and learned how the Word of God can help recover from the emotional pain of abuse. Further, the book of Proverbs identifies what healthy living looks like and points out the changes you should make. These reshaped my mindset and gave me insight into who I truly am: healed and whole.
This is the most effective but often the hardest step in emotional healing. And in some cases, the hardest part could be forgiving yourself.
Forgiving is more of a process than an act. It doesn’t mean excusing abuse or forgetting trauma. It means choosing not to let the pain dictate your life anymore. Forgiveness is ultimately about breaking generational trauma, because when you forgive, you reduce the likelihood of passing down the emotional burdens to the next generation.
Forgiveness involves mentally acknowledging your hurt and choosing to move forward. It can be expressed as “saying a prayer of release for those who hurt you” or “writing a letter you may never send.”
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Every act of love and kindness is a form of generational healing. Being the first healed woman in your family makes you a spark of change, and over time, others will follow your example.
Your healing will ripple through generations. Children, nieces, nephews, and younger relatives will witness a new model of strength and vulnerability. Your healing becomes your legacy and their inheritance.
“A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children,…” Proverbs 13:22 NIV