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Finding the perfect partner can oftentimes feel like you’re stuck in an endless episode of a “Bachelor in Paradise” dating reality show, where you happen to be the only contestant, and instead of the rose finally getting to you, it keeps getting misplaced! In a bid to escape that reality, you opted for an inhouse quest instead; you read all the striking relationship books, repeated Matthew Hussey Youtube videos, and never ever missed any of the Dateable podcasts. Sadly, just like the streak continues; you never ever had a perfect guy that complimented all the efforts you had put in.
Every date you meet up with always seem to have forgotten the criterias you had compiled into your playlist of ideal matches, and for that reason you’ve swiped left so many times that your phone probably thinks you’re practising a new ‘thumb workout’. One date might’ve been obsessed with their cat (reals though, dude had a whole Instagram for it), while another couldn’t stop talking about their ex, and let’s not even get started on the one who showed up 45 minutes late, wearing socks and sandals. This is more than enough to throw in the towel, you’d say!
Before you settle in for a life of Netflix and suddenly tag yourself as an introvert, hold on, let’s take a step back and carefully consider what’s really going on. You are not alone in your fight, and no, it isn’t just poor luck or the universe deciding to be cruel to you. There are really genuine reasons why finding the right spouse can be so difficult, and guess what? Most of them are completely repairable.
Why the perfect partner hasn’t shown up yet?
The phrase “perfect partner” often brings up an idealized picture of a union where you see both you and your partners’ needs or wants being met in perfect harmony. This idea which gives birth to the concept of an ideal relationship often originates from prior experiences, personal fantasies, or cultural expectations. Truth is; even while that term, Perfect Partner exists, we can’t truly say that our happy-ever-after would be kick-started with the perfect partner tale.
Not to try to sway you from meeting your perfect partner, but can we also say that they’re high chances you’ve met your perfect partner already, but you were not just enlightened enough to know. Let’s go over 3 major takeaways you’ve not given attention to. Every one of these factors provides an explanation for why the ideal mate may still be out of reach.
You’ve built for yourself some unrealistic expectations
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If the way you tend to see the perfect partner is waiting to see that man that hits every single thing on your wishlist, don’t want to make it sound hard, but truth is you may end up with a lot of disappointment that would eventually lead to a greater life of frustration.
When you try to only follow a checklist, what that does is that it may make you ignore potential partners who could be the next. It is better to sit down, take a pen and paper and highlight the common interests and values you both have, rather than choosing to stick with an unrealistic fixed list of criterias.
A relationship that carries some good reliability gets a major upgrade when you accept the fact that nobody is flawless. Could you think of it this way: if you’re waiting to stumble upon the perfect person, you might as well be on a hunting party for unicorns. If you wouldn’t want to be the one on that effortless search, choose to rather focus on true pictures. Just take a while to imagine a relationship where both of you laugh about each other’s flaws. For example, your partner’s weird obsession with the bottom pot, or your own insane love for old couples. This is really how you can begin the process of finding joy despite the imperfect journey—where getting to know each other comes with the added unique bond which doesn’t ignore the negative. So, let’s face it: no one is that perfect, and that’s what makes the adventure so much more fun to embark on!
You’ve given yourself over to an imbalanced exposure to cliche media outlets
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Your understanding of what makes a good relationship has been thwarted by your continuous scrolling through idealized relationships in the media. Admit that what actually makes for a successful relationship in the real world is different from what your influencers always tell you a relationship should look like. You should accept the advice of actual, successful couples and place more value on real experiences than on what the media suggests.
Successful relationships are largely the result of consistent effort, and a sincere desire to forge a partnership as opposed to a showpiece. When you frequently hear about the experiences of those who have scaled through challenges (conflicts ended followed by wins celebrated), placing more weight on this should be a priority much more than following what the Kardashians portray. Once you’ve come to know this, make a firm decision to live by it.
Real relationship success is much more about the daily work, and the real desire to build a partnership rather than a relationship for display. When you get to often hear the experiences of people who have overcome obstacles (resolved conflicts and celebrated victories). Due to the true nature of these experiences, it gives you very profound lessons that slices the outward display of what relationships should look like by the media. Real love is discovered in every bit of these genuine and flawed moments.
Communication gaps are still evident
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It’s difficult for potential partners to live up to your expectations if you’re not being very open about your requirements and most especially the love language. Knowing your love languages is a good starting point for laying foundations, but expressing them clearly is another aspect that needs to be really talked about. For example, if your main love language is acts of service, your partner should know that you value actions such as helping with chores in the house or running errands. In the same vein, if your partner’s love language is physical touch, they may need more frequent hugs or holding of hands to feel loved.
Misunderstandings and feelings like; “Why isn’t he paying attention to me” can be avoided by being conscious of these individual love expressions and then having honest conversations that can help you express them better. For instance, when you both communicate two different love languages, you can have a balance that meets both of your requirements. If you value verbal affirmations and your partner is more interested in spending quality time; to balance it, you both can combine the two by expressing your appreciation and love through words while engaging in activities together.
For example, you could surprise your partner with small gestures like writing love notes or surprise getaways (not amusement parks please). Also make time for regular date nights or shared hobbies. When you both intentionally do so, it’s giving the leverage for you to connect on multiple levels and build real attraction.
It’s always good to know that communicating openly with your partner is as vital as the remote you use for your electronic devices. The act of open end communications is something that would help you become more familiar with their needs, preferences, and even expressions of love. If you can fully utilize this approach, it can be a whole game changer that would make both parties feel valued, cherished and accepted.
A strong note to memorize from ‘Gary Chapman, 5 love languages’ is: Partners are better able to address each other’s emotional needs when they are aware of each other’s love languages. Yes, you must have read the book page to page, but what you’ve continually missed out on is that there is a responsibility on your end to also communicate these languages properly. This shared understanding between you and your partner strengthens the relationship and lowers the likelihood of misunderstandings. As time goes on, you both can incorporate systems of check and balance to continually be sure that your needs are being met and it isn’t just a one time thing. This will allow you to modify expectations and then increase actions.
